If you cry because there's cereal on the table after breakfast. If you cry with every diaper change whether poop is involved or not. If your kids are eating cereal for breakfast, toast for lunch and frozen pizza for dinner every day. If you become increasingly fond of the fetal position, you might have post postpartum depression.
So, I fit all these criteria and called my doctor and they put me on Zoloft. I had been on it once before after Asher was born and had done fine. But this time, oh, my friends, THIS time, it was not okay! First of all, I started taking it 2 days before a surprise trip to Salt Lake to visit Brad's mom for her birthday. We got to SL, all 7 of us, with all our luggage (nothing checked!) and successfully pulled off the surprise party for his mom. I was sleeping only 3-4 hours at night. Then the shaking started, trembling constantly. Then the rocking back and forth. Then the rubbing my palms together and on my pants and really anything. Then came the wailing. The kind of crying that I have NEVER experienced in my life! Combine all those and it equals a mental breakdown. I remember about 15 minutes of it. Brad says it lasted 5 hours! I called the doctor here in Michigan and explained what happened. The nice nurse told me that shaking, rocking and feeling more anxious is common and to keep taking the Zoloft. We came back to Michigan, all 7 of us, with all luggage, and I went to the doctor. She couldn't believe how I was!! So now I am on Klonopin, which knocks me out a good deal of the time which is why there has been such a hiatus from posting. They also changed me to Paxil. It seems to be working. I can see glimpses of myself coming back.
So the short version, I'm numb, feel very little in terms of love and connection to anyone. It's weird to feel so lonely in a house of 7 people. But I am getting better and can see light, but I can't tell how far away it is.
We currently live in Ann Arbor, MI where Brad is attending and teaching at the University of Michigan. We have 5 children; Hyrum, Isaac, Asher, Samara, and Harper.
8 comments:
Tracey, I'm so sorry to read this. That is so hard. You are in our thoughts and prayers. I think you are amazing. You do so much for your beautiful family. We love you!!
Wow Tracey, sounds like a nightmare, to say the least. I'm sure Brad's long hours of school related work don't help, I'm sure he is helping as much as he can. We will keep you in our prayers. The scriptures say that Christ has "bourn our griefs and carried our sorrows," Reading something like your story puts the magnitude of that sacrifice a little bit sharper perspective. Get well soon! Love, Dan and Lisa Sharp
Oh Tracey...my heart is hurting for you. It's a challenge being the mother of young children. I will always remember you as the mom that is attentive, giving and fun...with everyone...not just her own children. Our prayers are with you. Love you.
BTW, Great family photo!!
oh Tracey, I wish I was there! I left at the worst time! I do miss you so much! I just wish I could've been there for you. I'm glad things are looking up. You are doing amazing, and I know it will all work out for you! Just know you are loved!
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time Tracey, especially that the medicine made it worse. I've had PPD with 3 of my 4, hate it! Hope things are evening out and I'm so glad I found your blog. Your family is adorable!
Tracey!! I'm so sorry but I am so glad you said something! Definitely not characteristics of the Tracey I know. I am so glad things are looking up for you. I just know that getting 7 people on a plane anywhere would push me over the edge! You're amazing and I look up to you. Call if you need to chat!!
Tracey,
just that you are posting about this and open about talking about this depression is a sign that you are on the right track. I admire you so much-- you really have so much going for you and are SUCH an amazing person all around!
Can't wait to be back so we can help and hang out!
Love,
Sarah
Keep it up Tracy!! You are an amazing mother, and you can get through it! I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. I had ppd for 3 years after lilly was born and I had nothing like this. thank you for sharing your story to empower women! i'm glad you know that this is nothing to be ashamed of, and that you are not afraid to share. i only wish more women weren't afraid to speak out!
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